trigger warning: for themes of transition, body dysphoria, transphobia
notes titled “what do i write about now?”
what do i write about now?
about how i have longed
to be wished on women’s day
though i care not for ‘days’?
what do i write about now?
about the constant invalidation(s) i face
the creeping self-doubts that plagues my womanhood?
am i trans enough? am i woman enough?
what do i write about now?
about how my body feels triggered and invalidated
each time someone remarks on an essentializing definition
of ‘womanhood’?
what do i write about now?
about how at times i wish my breasts hadn’t grown bigger?
(i could at least go for a run at peace!)
and how i dare not utter this statement anywhere. ANYWHERE.
for fear of being CAST AWAY as a dupe.
well, i’ve said it now.
what do i write about now?
about how i wish i could cut off certain parts of my body
AT THIS VERY MOMENT?
what do i write about now?
about how i no longer long for the title ‘woman’
which is cis-colonized?
my womanhood has no space for colonial powers.
I’M TRANS.
I’M A TRANS WOMAN.
I’M A TRANSGENDER PERSON.
what do i write about now?
about how, at times, my insides fall silent
when i’m presumed to be heterosexual from my gender identity?
about how i wish to say:
I’M NOT ATTRACTED TO MEN.
I’M A GAY GIRL.
(AND) I’M ASEXUAL.
yeah, that in conjunction.
what do i write about now?
about how my sense of belonging is betrayed
in most spaces – cis-het and queer?
invalidation follows one everywhere.
I’M ANXIOUS. I CANNOT STAY ANYMORE.
AH, THE IMPOSTER SYNDROME TOO.
I’M ANXIOUS. TOO MANY PEOPLE.
I SHOULD LEAVE. NOW.
what do i write about now?
about how violent, real, tiring, scaring and scarring trans misogyny is?
how violent transphobia is?
about the lives of trans women lost to these systemic forms of hatred?
about how our lives are lived in fear?
about how the statistical ‘average’ lifespan of a trans woman is thirty-five years
AND how the transphobic world manages to kill us EVEN BEFORE THAT?
what do i write about now?
about how i cannot not hold
the people of palestine in my thought and words?
or
about how gender colonisation too
is part of a larger colonial violence;
the occupation, appropriation, and erasure –
of bodies, minds, lands, and people?
or
about how tiring the struggle for recognition and
the fight against systemic forces of oppression can be?
or
about how, as the world watches,
israel is committing a genocide in gaza –
its people, culture, environment, economy, and everything?
remember how, while the children of palestine wished the world a happy new year,
we were reveling shamelessly in fireworks and celebrations,
giving a silent nod of approval
to colonial, capitalist, and totalitarian powers,
to a wrongful subjection of minorities, and indigenous population,
to a wretched genocide?
or
about how futile our hopes of freedom have been?
middle east eye reports:
“western feminism’s silence on the genocide in gaza reveals its moral bankruptcy”
“war on gaza: women cut up tents for period products”
“war on gaza: palestinian women forced to shave their heads due to water shortage”
“war on gaza: the terrible toll on women’s mental and physical health” …
what ‘happiness’ do we now wish the women of palestine?
or what hope, what consolation we give its people?
and where do we hide this guilt and helplessness?
what do i write about now?
about how futile women’s day
or any day would be –
without resolving to disrupt capitalist and colonial powers
and to fight transphobia and trans misogyny?
to intent and act against them!
what do i write about now?
about how, now i’d rather all of us make this resolve,
than, or along with, wishing each other a happy women’s day?
STOP TRANS MISOGYNY! PROTECT TRANS LIVES!
END THE OCCUPATION! CALL FOR A PERMANENT CEASEFIRE IN GAZA!
BOYCOTT, DIVEST, SANCTION!
and remember, as maya angelou famously remarked
“NO ONE OF US CAN BE FREE UNTIL EVERYBODY IS FREE”
